It’s been a while….
I last posted a blog at the very beginning of 2019…. It’s now the start of February and i’ve finally sat down with the lap top and am currently tapping the keys in a hope that something readable will magically appear….
I’ve struggled with writing… Things are as mad as ever here in Bangkok… There are still things that go on here that make me take a double look… But as I say, i’ve struggled to write.. Every time i’ve sat down at the lap top with the intention of typing up a blog I end up looking at what i’ve written and deciding i’m doing nothing more than bragging about how great my life is. Yes my life IS great.. But bragging is something i’ve never liked and something i’d hate to start doing.. So here I am in a pickle. To blog or not to blog.. That is the question.
For the record i’m not bragging. I’m just a very lucky bloke who managed to leave a job he hated and now i’m living the dream in a far away land.. Shit. That sounds like bragging again.
Bugger it. I’ve been asked to blog again so blog I must.
Disclaimer, I am not bragging, Boasting or generally being a dick about it… Don’t get me wrong I can be a dick but i’m currently trying not to be….Trying.
So.. Yeah.. The blog… It’s been a while and yes I have been drinking too much, so things/dates are a bit of a blur…. I know what I did.. Just not sure when… So, here goes…
For Jo’s birthday weekend we went to one of Thailands party capitals “Pattaya”.. Just for the weekend, we went by private car for the one and a half hour journey to Thailands version of Blackpool… Blackpool without the tower…. Blackpool with the tower swapped for strip shows, fake thai boxing and live sex shows.
The hotel Jo booked looked like a ship. An actual ship, set on the road next to the beach, the rooms were made to look like cabins on a boat just to make the ship hotel look more like a ship.. I actually liked it. Upon arriving we were told that snacks and soft drinks were free for guests.. And between 6pm and 8pm booze was free too. Heaven. So we arrived at 6pm.. And were both drunk by about 6:45… So off to bed we went for a litttle snooze.. We awoke in darkness, still a little drunk we left our room at 9pm to see what Pattaya had to offer…
Our hotel was situated on the main road on the beach front, we walked up into the more “party” side of town, passing various stalls, shops, bars as we walked, we arrived at Pattayas walking street ready for a drink and something to eat, walking through walking street we were immediately met by hawkers with laminated sheets trying to get us to visit sex shows, the bars were full of people and scantilly clad girls stood outside trying to get customers to come in and spend, the road itself is mad… It’s an assault on the senses… Noise, lights,smells… People everywhere.. Earlier in our adventures in Bangkok we visited Soi Cowboy, our local vice street, I hated the place… Here, even tho it was more of the same I didn’t hate it so much… Yes the girls were still selling their bodies, but there was a different type of customer here.. A level of respect perhaps? We ended up at an Indian restaurant at the end of Walking street, one delicious Indian meal and a couple of whiskeys later and we were heading back home.. We walked back from walking street along the beach road, late at night the main road in Pattaya is just one huge red light district (minus the red lights) working girls are everywhere.. I comment to Jo that there really is something for everyone… Petite, young girls, shapely girls, older girls, larger girls, older women, convincing lady boys, NOT convincing lady boys, one guy who was simply a guy wearing make up… Something for every one. We watch a middle aged guy walking hand in hand with a young working girl, proud as punch with his date for the night, there’s a group of middle aged men sat around a statue drinking beer, looking at the working girls, all of them building up the dutch courage to actually go over and make a transaction, which, lets face it, is all it is, a transaction.
Me and Jo finally get back to our hotel and fall asleep. it’s been a long day.
We awake and head down for breakfast. We find a table, place our cups of juice down (to make our territory) and make our way to the buffet to fill our plates.. I struggle to find anything to eat so I make some toast and head back to our table, as I approach I see that we’ve acquired an invader, somebody has dared to place their food down on our table! What do I do? Do I find another table? Do I place my food down in a hope this invader will see his mistake and move on? I decide to boldly put my plate down and find Jo to seek advice…. Jo is getting some eggs cooked as I approach and tell her of the invader.. We both return to the table as the invader sits there at OUR table eating his breakfast… He’s Russian, he greets us as we sit (the cheek of the man!).. We do the British thing… We eat quietly.. But quickly.. Silently damning this invader.. And silently plotting ways to make sure this doesn’t happen again.. In hindsight i’m left wondering if he simply hadn’t noticed our cups of juice, and I wonder if he spent that morning thinking we had invaded HIS breakfast table… Maybe he’s slagging us off in a Russian blog somewhere.. Who knows?
Me and Jo spent the day by the pool soaking up the sun.. In January. Jo is reading a book ( given to her by her manager at work as homework) as I lay there, listening to music and people watching… There’s a girl by the pool having lots of photos taken of her by her Mom? Friend?.. She’s posing in the pool.. Posing by the trees at poolside.. Basically posing… Those fake “oh you just caught me relaxing” poses that litter instagram and other attention seeker filled websites.. I honestly believe there is no such thing as an Instagram moment.. All these photos are staged, posed for and carefully selected.. This particular girl spent about an hour having various photos taken.. All for what? One Instagram moment and a handful of likes? Honestly, vanity is out of control (trust me, i’ll be going back to instagram and vanity again at some point… There’s a group of English blokes in pool.. Southerners… Kent, London way.. Loud, Very British.. I’ve decided they’re sex tourists, probably all married… Probably all going home with carefully constructed and heavily edited versions of how their holiday went for their families back at home….. I also decide i’m a very cynical man.
After a few hours Jo decided to get some lunch, we end up in the hotel bar, Jo drinks gin and I have a glass of Sangria.. We eat but for the life of me I can’t remember what.. I do remember deciding the waitress was a werewolf tho… Based souly on the fact she had yellow eyes.. Yes I know they were probably contacts.. But her eyes were yellow.. She also had a limp which i’d decided was caused by an injury she’s had while running around in wolf form… Yes I know i’m a cynical man with an over active imagination.
Now.. At some point we end up in “Hooters”… A place, despite the fact i’m a bloke who has no issues admiring the female form (look, at least i’m honest. any bloke regardless of if he’s attached, engaged, married looks.. So do women, they look too.. We ALL look…. You say you don’t look? I say you are telling porkies my friend.) anyway.. Hooters is a place i’ve never wanted to visit, i’ve always seen “Hooters” as being a bit… Tacky. But, anyway we ended up in Hooters… First things first, The music.. They were playing Queen.. So either way they were onto a winner… Yes the place was full of very attractive women wearing quite skimpy outfits.. However, here in Pattaya some would argue they were over dressed… Now for the best bit, our waitress informed us they had a deal on, if you buy something off the menu and a drink you get a free T-shirt… So we did, We ordered BBQ wings and drinks… The girl took Jo off to the merch stall to pick our T-Shirts (funnily they weren’t Hooters Pattaya T- Shirts.. They ended up being Hooters Tai Pai) as I waited for the wings to arrive… I was expecting a small portion of frankly disappointing food.. However I have to say the Wings in Hooters were among some of the best BBQ wings i’ve ever had… Delicious… AND I got a free T-Shirt too… A shirt i’ll probably never wear… But it was free! Winner winner Chicken Dinner!
We ended up back at the hotel for happy hour…A couple of Whiskeys to start the night off…. Instead of walking into town we decided to jump on a “baht bus” these buses (or basically a van with seats in the back) travel up and down the beach front, folks jump on and pay 20 baht each ( about 50p) to travel up and down the street, we got on the bus and were joined by a liverpudlian who was really happy to hear English voices, turns out he works for various companies in Asia as a consultant, he has friends in Thailand and visits Pattaya a lot, her was very eager to tell us he wasn’t a sex tourist.. Lots of times.. Honestly, mate if you’re here to get sex just go for it.. The more you repeat the “i’m not a sex tourist” line it just makes me think “yeah mate.. You’re a sex tourist”.. Anyway, we end up in a rock bar with the Liverpudlian sex tourist. He’s telling us lots of stuff about life in Thailand. lots of do’s and don’ts.. He’s teaching us a few Thai words.. The girls in the bar are all over him, he’s obviously a regular feature in here.. We have a few drinks,one of the girls there displays her amazing skills of making penises and vaginas out of tea towels… We drink more, we say our goodbyes and wander off into the night… We go to a bar with girls dancing round poles.. We see street magic.. Jo strokes a dog… We go back to the rock bar, the girls recognise us and make us feel really welcome, the band is playing rock classics, one of the blokes in the bar notices my Download T-Shirt and spends a while reading the band list on the back… Jo is drinking shots…. We are drunk. We end up at a live sex show.
Live sex show. When in Rome I suppose. When drunk in Rome maybe.
So.. A bloke stops us in the street waving a sign around and shouting “ping pong show” at us.. We’re drunk.. We end up following him to some dimly lit little club down some back alley in Pattaya… We pay 5oo baht (about £12.50) and enter the show, the 500 baht gets us a drink (watered down lager) and seats for “the show”.. The room has a stage in the centre.. The lights are quite low and a girl sits in the centre of the stage.. She’s sitting there quite “matter of factly” I’m looking at her and I honestly think she’s there to tidy the stage up…Next thing, without warning or fanfare… she lays back.. And… POP!… She shoots something out of her vagina.. Jo is in fits of giggles… A scantilly clad woman hands Jo a waste paper bin… Jo being drunk accepts the bin…. Lady on stage shoots further projectiles from her vagina into the bin. Applause. Onto the next “act”
Behind us a small group of Asian men… Working girls have descended upon them… Some of the funniest looking women i’ve ever seen.. One of them has a full moustache.. We’re talking Freddie Mercury levels of moustache… As I said earlier.. Pattaya has something for EVERYONE.
The music changes, Jo is still in fits of giggles, a girl walks on the stage wearing a bra… Nothing else just a bra.. Then without warning begins to pull razor blades out of her vagina on a string… I’m now wondering “is this supposed to be erotic?”… Blades removed.. Girl walks of stage… Next act… Woman blows candles out on birthday cake with her vagina.. Next…. Woman pops balloons using a blow dart shoved up her vagina… Two women blow whistles with vaginas… Feathers removed on a string from Vagina… It’s all very vagina based and not in the slightest bit erotic…. The lights go up… Three girls wearing numbers get on stage and dance badly… A lady tells us “show finished”.. We leave… I turn to Jo and say “that was not erotic at all…. And there were no bloody ping pong balls”.. We laugh.. We head back to the hotel. As we get in the lift we are joined by one of the southern blokes from the pool… He’s hand in hand with a working girl girl… I’d had him down as one of those blokes who picks a young petite girl.. In fact he’s got himself a woman who looks about the same age as him… Consider me surprised. It’s 4am when we get to bed. We sleep through breakfast… Russian invader avoided… Bonus!
We wander round Pattaya for a while and end up at McDonalds for breakfast… No booze today… I think we’ve had enough. Our driver arrives at the hotel to drive us back home to Bangkok… Jo has had a great birthday weekend…. I think i’ve written enough for my comeback blog…. Think i’ll tackle my birthday weekend next.. Don’t worry.. There will be less vaginas.